


Freeze You Out

by magicalartist



Series: One-Shots- Swanqueen [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Fluff and Angst, Foster System, Multi, Oneshot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship, SwanQueen Christmas, lost girl - Freeform, not cannon, potential childhood triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 09:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13050897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicalartist/pseuds/magicalartist
Summary: Emma Swan is struggling with celebrating Christmas with her family for the first time since coming to Storybrooke. the holiday season has never been fun for her with her upbringing, but this year she discovers that maybe, just maybe, things can be different if she's willing to open up to the people around her. This deals with angst, Emma's childhood and dealing with PTSD. It is pre-relationship SwanQueen, has some definite fluff and was inspired by Marina Kaye's version of Freeze You Out.





	Freeze You Out

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, this was inspired by a PTSD episode I've been in the middle of for a few days. Holidays suck for people with complicated childhoods, and this was my attempt to process what I am struggling with right now. Writing Emma usually helps me work this shit out because I see a lot of myself in her, and many elements of my life are similar to hers. So be aware that if you can relate, this could be potentially triggering.

Emma hated holidays. She hated the decorations, the festivities, the mandated attendance at “ _family gatherings.”_ She hated the commercialization. By far the holiday she despised the most was Christmas. The only “holiday” she could say she didn't truly despise was Halloween, but the way she figured, it didn't last all day and hanging out with family wasn't required, so really, Halloween couldn’t be lumped in with the holidays anyway.

The holiday season was miserable for her. It wasn't just the decorations, the constant obnoxious repetition of ancient Christmas songs. No, It went deeper than that. It was the pressure. It was the deep rooted anxiety and loneliness that settled itself deep in her bones and refused to let her be. Archie at first thought it was SAD, seasonal affective disorder. But Emma knew better. The holidays were a special hell specifically designed to torment people like her, people who could never ever shake the feeling of inadequacy, the anxiety of not being good enough, the fear that not belonging.

She had talked to Archie about it last year and confessed that her deep rooted hatred of Christmas was at least in small part due to her miserable upbringing in foster care. Every year, she was in a different home for the holidays, if she was lucky, she was in a foster home and not a group home. Nothing ever lasted, it was always awkward, and deeply lonely. The holidays did nothing but remind her that she was unwanted, unlovable, abandoned. What few gifts she was “ lucky enough” to receive over the years were impersonal, either “practical” or generic. Socks, underwear, a hair straightener that her temporary “sister” ended up claiming by the end of the day when it became apparent that Emma would never use it. Whatever gifts she received only served as reminders that she was a guest at best, and an unwanted temporary resident at worst. Giving gifts was just as bad. It made her deeply anxious, trying to decide what to get people who meant everything to her. For her gifts demonstrated how well you were known. Maybe it was the foster system, but gifts weren’t simply something you gave. The type of gift you received told you your status. A good gift meant you belonged, you were loved, accepted, wanted. Bad gifts or no gifts at all meant you would be in a new home the following year. As a result, Emma believed a truly good gift was thoughtful, unexpected, but always appreciated and always meaningful. Her friends throughout her life told her over and over how well she excelled at giving these types of gifts, but she had yet to receive one in return. For Emma it was further proof that she would never be loved in return like she loved the people who actually made it past her walls.

After moving out on her own, after her first and last Christmas with Neal, Emma swore to herself she would never put herself through Christmas again. And she didn't, not until this year. She had lived here for six years, and every year, Christmas had been missed due to the latest town disaster. Emma had thanked her lucky stars that for the most part, the holidays passed entirely unnoticed and unmentioned. But things were different this year. It was calm, too calm, and of course, Henry had mentioned in passing at family day “ holidays with family” and Snow, being Snow decided they _HAD_ to do everything completely traditional this year to make up for the years they had missed. She had stated it so emphatically with misty eyes, heavily implying the lost years as mother to Emma, Emma hadn’t had the heart to tell Snow about her vow. No. Instead, Emma, ever the dutiful adult grown daughter trying to fit into a baby sized hole left by her disappearance through the wardrobe all those years ago, hid away the anxiety and fear that rose in her at the mere mention of thanksgiving and Christmas “ as a family” and faked a smile. Caught up in the whirlwind of making up for lost time, Snow didn't even notice that the smile was strained.

Emma had thought Thanksgiving would be bad enough, and it was. Emma had just filed for divorce from Hook, who still insisted on coming because they were married and Henry was “his son too” and Emma, as hard as she fought to keep him out, failed. She grimaced all through the cursed dinner, ignoring Regina’s worried glances and David’s death glares at Hook over her head and pretended, for her mother’s sake that everything was fine. Then, the following weekend, on “family night” (Snow’s idea when she found out that Regina, Emma and Henry had a movie night every Friday and felt left out) she had been forced to endure holiday decorating, watching her parents put up baby Neal’s first ornaments. Emma had fled the room at the first chance and locked herself away in the bathroom, fighting to get the torrent of tears to stop.

When she emerged, Regina was silently waiting with a glass of her cider and a gentle hand on the shoulder that lingered long after Regina walked away. Emma had squared her shoulders, gritted her tears and sworn that she would get though the rest of the damned day without any more breakdowns, and she managed just that, barely.

She had hoped that things would calm down after thanksgiving by the gods, how wrong she ended up being. Snow had insisted on decorating as a family. She insisted Emma’s house needed to be festive as well. So, she hauled boxes upon boxes of decorations from her mother’s home and trudged over to her empty home and decorated there as well. Emma hated it. Not one ornament reflected her tastes and when Snow called Regina over that night to evaluate their work, she had taken one look at the house, glanced at Emma and with the wave of her hand it all vanished. Emma had nearly panicked and Regina had given her that ever so gentle smile and whispered, “Relax, it’s all still there, you just can’t see it. Everyone else can. Don't worry about taking it down, it will come down all on its own Christmas night” Emma had heaved a sigh of relief and squeezed Regina’s hand tightly in thanks. The brunette had simply smiled at her and followed Snow around the house, oohing and aahing at the decorations Emma could no longer see. She sat in her chair in relief and smirked every time Regina rolled her eyes behind Snow’s back.

Emma had still ending up crying herself to sleep that night, her mind tormenting her with all the lonely Christmases of before, taunting her that this one would be no different.

Today… Today was worse. Snow had insisted on both Christmas Eve and Christmas day as a family. The only saving grace was that Regina insisted that if they were going to be forced to endure each other’s company for so long, they would do so at her house where at least people would have room to move around. She knew Regina had seen the panic in her eyes, and without saying anything directly, tried to make it better, providing her with at least the option of being able to flee elsewhere when it became too much. She said nothing when Emma fled for the guest bedroom on the second floor several times throughout the day, always watching her go with a pensive gaze, and always welcoming her back with a tentative smile and a questioning gaze. She could almost hear Regina’s voice asking the question Emma was famous for _, “You okay?”_. She summoned up her mask and nod. Regina didn’t buy it for a minute but let it slide so as to not draw more attention and make it worse for her.

They had opened stockings the night before, and Emma had thought, maybe, just maybe she could get through this okay. Her stocking was just like everyone else's, stuffed with candy, gag gifts, small gadgets. Nothing huge, nothing fancy, and just as frivolous as everyone else’s. By the end of the night last night, Emma had been exhausted by Snow’s constant attempts to get her in family photos and fled to her room early, claiming a migraine. As always, Regina knew she was lying, but said nothing, just wished her a good night and told her where to find the aspirin in the upstairs bathroom.

This morning, she had been woken by an apologetic Regina, handing her a steaming mug of coffee, “Your mother is insisting on family breakfast, but if you don’t feel up to it, I can tell her…”

Emma flashed her a grateful smile, trying to hide the tension in her shoulders at yet another _“family function”_. “I’ll be right down. Thanks for this”

Regina paused, nodded and seemed to hesitate, clearly wanting to ask Emma something. Instead she whispered, “See you downstairs” and left as quietly as she had come.

It took Emma a few minutes to summon up some semblance of fake enthusiasm before heading downstairs reminding herself that if nothing else, she was here for her son, to see him open the gift she had picked out for him. That thought brought it’s own anxieties, _what if he doesn’t like it? What if he wants something else, what if…._

Her son was grinning at her from the bottom of the stairs, “Merry Christmas Ma!” the joy in his eyes, the warmth and strength of his hug was enough to temporarily banish Emma’s fears, enough to get her through breakfast.

But things went downhill after he was handed the first present from Snow. glancing at the tag, it said _Emma and Henry_.

Swallowing around the lump in her throat, she offered the package to her son instead and let him open it. It was a new Wii system and Henry whooped. Emma liked the gift and understood the sentiment behind giving it to them both, she really did, logically. But that little voice in her mind reminded her quite readily that it wasn’t truly for her, that in fact, the gifts addressed to her and Henry were actually Henry’s, because she didn’t deserve things like that for herself.  Emma watched the people around her open their gifts, and slowly made her way through her small pile of presents, feeling her heart sink lower and lower with each gift. They were all either addressed to her and henry, or, even if addressed to her were impersonal. Snow seemed to catch the lost look in Emma’s eyes, but glancing at Regina behind Emma, she said nothing. Emma tossed a thankful glance at Regina who squeezed her shoulder in understanding.

Emma opened her gifts and tried to be enthusiastic about the gloves from Zelena, a scarf covered in fairytale characters from her parents. A gag mug from Ruby that measured the amount of coffee with a sarcastic comment, ending with _“ Now you can speak”_. She said thank you for each gift, and tried her best to pretend she was okay. The only gift she liked was Henry’s, it was a handcrafted picture frame with a photo of him with her and Regina, grinning as they stood proudly by the snowman they had made together a few weeks ago. Henry had given Regina the identical gift. She gave her son a warm hug and kissed his forehead, “Thanks kid, this is going on my desk at work. You made the frame in class, yeah?”

He nodded eagerly, “You like it? Really?”

Emma recognized the flicker of insecurity in his eyes, the fear of not being enough and she hurried to assure him, “ I love it Henry, it means a lot to me” She was sincere, his gift was thoughtful and spoke clearly as to what she meant to him, he was her ma, he was family and he adored her. It made her feel marginally more secure, and for a second, she could pretend she belonged here.

He nodded and hugged her fiercely before refocusing on his new games. Emma glanced back down at her gifts and held the picture frame a bit closer, it was the most personal thing she had received that day. Emma frowned and tried to shove the thought away.

One bright shining moment was the blinding smile Regina directed at her when she saw her gift. Emma had given her a bracelet with charms on it that reminded her of Regina. There was one with two women holding hands with a child between them, the space between them shaping a heart, little crowns, a small evil eye protective charm and other little trinkets that reminded her _of “don’t touch” and together then, holding hands, and let’s go home._ Regina’s eyes had teared up and she had given Emma a fierce hug and a whispered, “Thank you” Emma had shrugged bashfully. Regina frowned at the lost look in the blonde’s eyes and whispered in her ear, “You realize I got you a gift too right?”

Emma shrugged again, trying to hide her emotions, a pointless endeavor with Regina. “ I did Emma. I would never forget to get you something. I just… I thought I would give it to you later, with… less of an audience” Emma nodded, understanding. Her gift for Regina had drawn a lot of attention, earning her strange knowing looks from her parents and Zelena. Regina squeezed her hand reassuringly before letting her go, and Emma pretended she didn’t miss the comforting contact.

Emma endured family Christmas dinner, her mask remaining firmly in place aside until Snow’s comment about Christmas with her newest child. Emma had excused herself to the bathroom and berated herself for having yet another meltdown over simple words. But all Emma could see was the Swans, her one safe home, her first and last chance at a forever home, and realizing that first, and last Christmas with them, that they were expecting a child and that meant going back to the group home yet again. Emma had pulled herself together and headed back into the dining room, finishing her holiday meal in silence, ignoring Regina’s frequent attempts to catch her gaze. After dessert Her parents prepared to leave and put a cranky Neal to Bed. Emma stood and was ready to follow her parents out and head back to her now empty house when a gentle hand on her arm stopped her, “ Em?”

Emma turned around with a frown, “Yes?”

Regina regarded her carefully, “Henry and I were going to watch a movie and drink hot chocolate. You are welcome to join us… if you don't want to, you don't have to stay, I know it’s been a long day, I just thought…”

Emma met her gaze, “Are you sure?”

Regina chuckled lightly, squeezing the hand she had snagged from Emma “Of course. You are always welcome here. it’s low key, and there’s no pressure to stay if you need some time alone”

Emma frowned, the thought of going home to her empty house wasn’t appealing at all. She knew if she did that, she would spend the night wallowing in self pity and painful memories. A few more hours away from that sounded like heaven, “sounds perfect”

Emma was surprised when Regina seemed to relax, and relief shone in her eyes clearly for a moment. Regina glanced at Emma’s bag of gifts with a frown, “want to set those down by the door?”

Emma shook her head, “ I’ll just run these out to the car real quick. Regina nodded, “alright, Hurry back.”

Emma arched a brow and followed her instructions. She closed the car door and that’s when it occurred to her that aside from Henry’s gift, she hadn’t received anything remotely meaningful. It stung. It felt like the foster homes all over again. Little lost girl Emma, who never belonged, and knew that deep down, she never would. For the most part, Emma was able to bury that little lost girl in her, sometimes she even managed to forget that part of her still existed. But the holidays never failed to bring that little lost girl roaring back to the surface. Emma slammed her fists on the hood of her car cursing herself, “ stupid, stupid stupid. When are you going to learn Emma?” she berated herself mentally, bent over her car, sobbing, _You are still just a lost little girl, who didn't matter, and never will.  You are still the little girl they gave up. And now they don’t fucking need you anymore. You don’t fit here, you never have, you never will. When will you fucking learn to stop opening up your damned heart to anyone who shows you the tiniest bit of affection? When will you learn, you will always end up alone, you will always be the one who gets hurt._ It slammed into her full force, her inadequacy, how little she mattered. She hated this. She hated that all Christmas was to her was a measuring stick that reminded her of just how little she really mattered, how little she belonged. She found herself wanting to climb in the bug and leave, and spend the rest of the night alone, trying to sleep away the last remaining hours of the horrible day. She knew logically it wasn’t true anymore, she was loved, she had a family, a place to call home, but days like today, holidays were one giant trigger that brought all her pain roaring back to the surface

“Em. you alright?”

Emma startled, and whipped around to find Regina, watching her with concern in her eyes, and Emma’s coat draped over her arm. Regina offered it with a frown, “you were gone too long, and you left your coat inside.”

Emma took it with a trembling smile and wrapped it around her, zipping it up while avoiding Regina’s knowing gaze. She tried to dry her tears discreetly and sighed when she realized she had been ugly crying, there was no covering up the mess she was at the moment.

“ Emma, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to… if this is too much… we can do movie night some other time….”

Emma shook her head, “probably best if I’m not….” she wiped her eyes, “ …alone right now. Think you can put up with me for a little bit longer?” had it been anyone else, she never would have admitted that, but this was Regina, who knew anyway, whether she voiced the truth or not.

Something like anger and disbelief flashed ever so briefly in Regina’s brown eyes before she reined in her emotions with a deep breath. Emma stepped back, thinking for just a second, that anger was directed at her but Regina shook her head firmly invading her space and gripping her shoulders firmly, “ Emma, spending time with you  and our son is not about me tolerating your presence. We are friends. And as your friend, I want you to do whatever will make you feel most comfortable, most safe right now. So if you need to go home and be alone, by all means, go home. I don't want you to feel pressured to stay. But if you want to stay, I want you to know, you are welcome to do that too. You are wanted here. You belong here.”

Emma bit her lip, trying to suppress more tears when Regina offered her hand, “come on inside, it’s freezing out here. You can get cleaned up, and then you can decide. You can go home if that’s what you want, you can call it a day and go sleep it off upstairs, or we can go have some hot chocolate, watch Harry Potter with our son, drink something spiked and talk all night, like any normal night. It’s up to you, okay? You decide”

Emma arched a brow, her anxiety momentarily forgotten, “ Harry Potter?”

“ Unless you would rather endure another one of this worlds god awful “holiday movies”

Emma shuddered, “ God no. I’d need something a hell of a lot stronger than spiked eggnog to endure another damned holiday movie”

Regina chuckled with relief, “ Good, because I swear, if I have to endure _Christmas Story_ one more time, I’m going to put a spell on all the birds in this damned town and have them follow Snow around screeching “ You’ll put your eye out!” for a month.

Emma laughed for the first time all day, and Regina grinned at her before leading the way back inside. Regina disappeared into the kitchen or a moment while Emma retreated to the guest bathroom and tried to hide the evidence of her breakdown as best she could. Her eyes were still red, her nose and face flushed, but she looked a little better. Sighing, she headed downstairs and helped Henry switch the TV from his gaming system to the Blu-ray player. If he noticed that she was quiet and reserved, he didn’t say anything. He simply gave her a warm hug and stated quietly, “ I’m glad you were here ma. It wouldn’t be Christmas without you” Emma choked back her emotions and returned the hug, you too Hen. I love you, you know that right?”

He gave her an odd look, “Yeah… you know I love you too right? You’re my ma. And I might be an asshole sometimes, but I don’t want to celebrate any of these holidays without you. We are a family, you me and mom.”

Emma nodded and hugged her son fiercely, “ I love you too bud.” A moment later, Regina reappeared with hot chocolate for Emma and Henry and a bag. Handing it to Emma she winked before retrieving her own hot chocolate, sans cinnamon and sat opposite Emma watching her expectantly. Emma shrieked with joy when she discovered the tin of popcorn balls Regina had apparently handmade for the occasion. Without thinking, Emma reached over and yanked a squeaking brunette into her arms and kissing her on the cheek, “ You are the best!”

Regina flushed and gave her a smile, “ Thank you dear”

Henry smirked at his ma, “Mom hid them from me, she made them a few nights ago ‘cuz you said you preferred those to Christmas goodies”

Emma nodded vigorously, filing away the fact that Regina not only remembered that fact but had apparently made them specifically for her after her rather embarrassing reaction to them when Regina made them for Halloween.

Settling back on the couch next to the brunette, they watched the Sorcerer’s Stone together. As a family, Emma thought. In spite of her parents frequent attempts to make her feel like she belonged, Henry was right, this here was the only time Emma ever really felt at home. Watching a film with her son and his other mother, her best friend. Here there were no expectations, no looming pressure to perform, no insecurity or anxiety. Regina had seen Emma at her worst, and yet, here they were, comfortable in each other’s presence, friends.

The peace lasted as long as the movie played, and as soon as it clicked off, the anxiety returned. Regina seemed to sense the change and gave her an encouraging smile, motioning her upstairs to join her in saying goodnight to her son. Emma followed, and watched them interact with a wistful smile. Finally, she had her turn, gave her son a hug and kiss before retreating from his room. Wandering downstairs, Emma cleaned up the living room before wandering to the den to find Regina. She found the brunette seated on the couch waiting for her, a couple of presents wrapped and waiting on the table. Regina gestured to the spot opposite her with a smile before pointing to a glass on the table in front of them, “Something spiked, as promised”

Emma grinned at the eggnog covered in whipped cream and cinnamon waiting for her. She took a sip and groaned, “Anyone ever tell you you’d make a great mixologist?”

“You. Many times in fact”

Emma chuckled, “Well, I’ll tell you again, you make the best damned drinks I’ve ever had”

Regina hummed and sipped her own, her eyes watching Emma closely. Emma used to find that penetrating stare unsettling, but by now, she was used to it and she knew exactly what it meant. Regina was telling her, without saying a word that she knew Emma needed to vent and she was waiting and willing to listen. It amazed Emma, how far their friendship had come, that they could have entire conversations without saying a word to each other. She settled back against the couch and started speaking softly, “Most days… most days I’m okay… but… days like today…. They’re hell”

Regina didn't say anything, just held her glass in her hands and listened attentively, waiting for Emma to share what she needed to.

“ I know I seem like a total Grinch, and I don’t mean to be. It’s just… Holidays bring up a lot of crap for me, you know? And it’s hard, really damned hard to sit with everyone, smile and pretend like it’s fun for me”

“ Holidays just always made me feel…” she trailed off, unable to voice exactly how she felt on days like this

“ Like a lost girl?” Regina finished for her. Her eyes snapped to the brunettes and Emma was relieved to see no judgement, just understanding, “You heard that huh?”

Regina covered the flash of grief in her eyes swiftly shook her head, “ No. I did my best to respect your privacy. I just… I know you. I only came outside because it was too cold for you to be out there without your coat, and… it seemed like you could use a friend”

Emma smiled, “Thank you. You always seem to know how and when to pull me out of my own head”

Regina hummed thoughtfully, “I think we all need that sometimes.”

Emma nodded.

Regina regarded her carefully, “ I… I got you something for Christmas, well, made it really. I know you said friends and family don't need holidays to give each other gifts, but… this was… today meant a lot to me, and I… I really wanted to give you something that showed that…. But if you’d prefer it some other time, I will completely understand. I know day like today are difficult for you, they are for me as well. Though, this year… as annoying as the uncharmings are, it felt... it was… nice”

Emma smiled, “Yeah. It was”

Regina arched a brow, “Are you sure. You seemed… overwhelmed”

“ I was. But... I was with my family. And I really did enjoy it, when I wasn't lost in my head”

Regina nodded. She didn't push and Emma appreciated that about her. Emma reached across the couch and took the brunette’s hand, “Thank you, for hosting us here. I couldn’t have handled that at Snow’s loft”

Regina shuddered, “there was no way I was doing Christmas in that tiny apartment”

Emma chuckled, “You… you made this year.. Manageable. Honestly, the second Snow heard holidays, and realized she had missed “traditions” here for several years, I panicked. I haven’t celebrated Christmas in probably fifteen years. I stopped, swore I’d never put myself through that again”

“ Why did you?” Regina wasn’t judging her, she wanted to understand. Emma sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, “ You know mom. It’s easier to go along with her whims than try to fight it”

Regina nodded, “Your mother loves you. I think… It may be a good idea to talk to her, tell her Emma”

Emma started tearing up again, “Why? So we can have another heart to heart that goes nowhere? No. mom means well but she’s never going to understand why Regina, you know that. She’s still lost in the fairytale version of reality where everything is rainbows and unicorns”

Regina smirked and arched a brow before becoming quiet again, “She might surprise you Emma.”

Emma shrugged, “I’ll think about it” Regina nodded, “ If it makes it easier for you, I could be there, as a buffer. I know Snow can be… emotional”

Emma glanced at her in surprise, immediately noticing how even just the offer brought relief, comfort. Regina in a lot of ways was more than just her best friend. Regina was her rock. Regina understood what she needed and when without her saying a word. Regina understood Emma’s fears, Emma’s pain and demons. She never excused or ignored them. She addressed them directly, often getting to the root of the issue long before Emma did herself. Emma was grateful for that. She swallowed and nodded gratefully, “If I decide to talk to her, that would help, having you there. You are so much better at handling her”

Regina studied her for another moment and sighed, “Okay, one more thing. I want you to know, I agree with you. I think it’s idiotic that this world needs dedicated holidays to remind them to tell the people around them what they mean to each other. It’s cheap, and hollow. I feel the same way. But sometimes Emma, life happens, and when it does, it’s nice to have moments like this, some good in the middle of a whole lot of crazy.”

Emma nodded, understanding what Regina was getting at. They gave each other ridiculous little gifts all the time, took turns buying each other lunch, groceries, small thoughtful gifts. Their friendship was one Emma had never thought she would find. She knew exactly how Regina felt about her. She was an obnoxious idiot that Regina couldn’t help but find amusing and somewhat charming. She knew that she meant a lot to the brunette, even if Regina rarely said it with words. As much as Regina prided herself on her mask, Emma had no problem seeing through the brunette’s snide comments and hearing the affection in her tone, seeing the warmth and laughter in the brunettes eyes. She knew what she was to Regina and their son. Their friendship was the one relationship she didn't find herself constantly questioning, not anymore. She didn't feel anxious around her anymore, insecure or afraid. They had seen the worst of each other and it didn't matter. They were united. Henry’s moms, an unstoppable duo who found comfort and safety in each other.

Emma glanced up from their joined hands and saw Regina’s mouth twitching in amusement, waiting for Emma’s attention to return to the moment at hand. Emma squeezed her hand, “You are right”

“Aren’t I always?” Regina quipped before turning to her presents, “With that in mind, I got you something, well, two somethings actually. They are not much, nowhere near as expensive as the bracelet you got which,” she paused, and stared directly into Emma’s eyes, “which I adored, by the way, I’ve never received such a thoughtful gift”

Emma nodded emotionally, “ I wanted it to show our friendship.”

Regina smiled, her eyes watering as she played with the charms for a moment, “Your first magic lesson” she stated softly as she traced the small bridge charm. Emma nodded.

Regina fingered the small gloves, and smirked, _“Don’t touch”_

The clock tower was next and Regina frowned, “This one could be any number of things…”

“It’s all of them, and the day I got my memories back, the first things I remembered was the clocktower, and you. So, this one is that mostly” Emma tapped the charm lightly.

Regina nodded and traced the dragon charm, “This one could be a couple things too”

Emma grinned, “It is. It was the first time we worked together, and our first road trip”

Regina twisted the bracelet to show the underside. On the other side of the evil eye charm was the small dagger. Regina looked at each of the charms in turn before raising tear filled brown eyes, “ Like I said, this is the most precious gift I’ve ever gotten Emma. It’s perfect. Thank you. I just hope that… what I got you will mean…”

Emma nodded, “ It will. Because you are right. We don’t need a damned holiday to give each other anything. Its who we are, it’s a part of our friendship so even if its silly it will mean a lot to me”

Regina nodded, and handed Emma the smaller package first. It was heavy, and felt like a book. Regina smirked, “How about you stop trying to figure out what it is and just open it”

Emma hesitated, and tore the paper off, her eyes filling with tears as she stared at the cover of the book in her hands. “Henry and I worked on it together.”

It looked like one of Henry’s storybook’s but on the cover it said it beautiful script “The Swan-Mills Family” with a hole in the cover, showcasing a photo of the three of them hugging on Hook’s ship. Turning the page Emma discovered it was a scrapbook filled with memories. Each page either had actual photos, or Henry’s author renderings of moments since Emma came into their lives. The very first page showed her in the red dress greeting a young henry at the door of her apartment. Emma teared up at the caption underneath “Emma’s birthday wish came true”

Each page was filled with moments from that first year, sometimes in Henry’s scrawl, sometimes in Regina’s. Emma recognized a few photos that her parents had clearly contributed with small comments beneath. Emma felt tears slide down her cheeks as she stared at each photo, including pictures of a much younger Henry and Regina, all the way up to the ear she had spent with Henry alone in New York. The last page was a photo from Christmas Eve, Emma’s head thrown back laughing at the candy coal she had found in her stocking, Henry cackling beside her Regina winking mischievously. Crying, Emma yanked the brunette across the couch and tugged her into a hug, “God Regina, this is perfect. Thank you!”

Regina rubbed her back gently, stating emotionally, “You are a part of this family Emma. I know it’s partially my fault that you went through everything you did” When Emma started to shake her head, Regina’s tone took on a firm note that brokered no argument, “And don’t bother saying it wasn’t because we both know that’s not true. But I want you to know, you are in my life now, in our son’s life, and there isn’t one moment of the last six years that I would take back. You belong here, with us. We want you in our lives, you make our lives, my life better because you are in it.” Emma sobbed and relaxed into the brunette’s arms, letting herself be held.

After a few moments Regina gently untangled herself from the blonde and placed the second gift in her lap. I hope you don’t mind this one. It’s… well, you’ll probably cry again, but I hope it… I hope you understand what I’m trying to say…”

Emma dried her eyes and took in the nervousness in Regina’s posture, “Hey… if its anything like this album, I’m going to love it. I’ve never gotten a gift like that before. Thank you”

Regina nodded and swallowed, pointing to the gift before retreating and hiding her anxiety behind her glass as she sipped on the eggnog. Emma opened this one more carefully, sensing the magnitude of the gift before she even saw it. she gasped at the part that was visible and choked on a sob, sensing what Regina had done before she saw the entire thing. Standing she carefully opened the blanket and gaped at it. it was a handmade quilt, and at the center was a small piece of her baby afghan, with her name in her mother’s script. She had wondered where the blanket had disappeared to ever since her stint as the dark one. Henry had told her that Regina had used it to bring them to her in Camelot but it never reappeared after that, and Emma had never worked up the courage to ask Regina what had happened to it. now she knew. Regina had taken her most precious belonging in the world and had remade it into something new. She stared at the blanket, each piece of the quilt, shaped like interlocking puzzle pieces had scenes from places she had lived, each town she had lived in as a foster child through adulthood, ending with the clocktower, Storybrooke. In Regina’s cursive script stitched onto the blanket  just beneath her name was written, _home is the place that when you leave, you just miss it._ Emma recognized her own words and sat back on the couch clutching the blanket and sobbing openly. Regina said nothing, sitting nervously, unsure of herself.

Somehow, Regina had captured, in two gifts, all of Emma’s hopes, all her fears and insecurities and had addressed them. This new blanket was a clear representation of Emma’s journey, her attempts to find her Tallahassee, her home, her place in the world. And the storybook showed, quite clearly, like the clocktower, like the piece of her baby blanket, that here, with these people in this tiny town full of fairytale characters, she had found her place in the world, the place where the puzzle pieces all fit together.

Emma took a while to collect herself, hugging the blanket to her as all her messy hopes cam tumbling out, all her fears washed away, and all her walls crumbled around her. with one thought she raised her head and met Regina’s teary-eyed gaze, “I’m home”

Regina swallowed, her voice raw, “You’re home.”

Emma refused to let go of the blanket and tugged it with her across the couch as she leaned against her best friend, letting Regina wrap her arm around her as she settled her head against Regina’s shoulder. Regina tugged the handcrafted quilt over them both and kissed her forehead, “It wasn’t too much?”

Emma shook her head, “No. It was perfect. I wondered where my blanket went”

Regina tensed and Emma tangled their fingers together, “I love it Regina. You took something that was bittersweet for me, and made it something new. It’s perfect” her tone was firm and Regina relaxed, breathing a sigh of relief, “Good. I was worried…”

“That I’d be mad you desecrated it?”

Regina nodded, “I asked your parents if it would be okay, asked Henry, Archie… I didn’t want to overstep and destroy something that meant so much to you…”

“You didn’t. you made it even better. I love it Regina. I mean it, I wanted to do something like this with the blanket anyway…”

“Snow mentioned that and that’s why I went ahead and did it”

Emma stared at the blanket in awe again before glancing back at Regina, “I’ve never gotten gifts like the ones you just gave me. thank you”

Regina relaxed and settled more comfortably on the couch, wrapping her arms around Emma more securely, “When we first met, if someone had told me how much you would come to mean to me, I would have ripped out their hearts and crushed it on the spot. But Emma, I honestly… I don’t want to think about what my life would be like without you in it. You are my best friend. Honestly, you are more than that.”

Emma heard the hesitation in Regina’s voice, the slight anxiety lacing her words. Regina didn’t voice how she felt often. So, when she did, Emma leaned in, sensing how important it must be if Regina felt the need to say it aloud. She glanced up at the brunette and stared in awe at the raw affection on Regina’s face. This woman loved her, every bit as much as Emma loved her. It had always been clear to her that Regina loved fiercely. If you made it past the walls around her heart, you were special. Emma knew that she held a special place in Regina’s heart and life, but it had never been as glaringly apparent as it was in this moment. 

Emma hesitated before reaching up with her free hand and cupping Regina’s cheek, brushing away her tears with her thumb as she shifted to see her more clearly, “ I feel the same Regina. I’ve never known anyone like you, and while we didn’t get along at first, you are right, there’s not a damned moment I would take back. Not when it got us here.”

Regina nodded, swallowing again, managing to whisper, “ I love you Emma.” Emma smiled and started to respond but Regina raised her hand, “Let me finish, please, before I can’t”

Emma nodded sitting up, laying the blanket in their laps and taking both of Regina’s hands in her own, meeting her gaze with a soft smile and a nod.

“I don’t… I don’t let myself love people. Every time I’ve loved someone other than Henry, I’ve lost them. I am afraid, of loving, of opening myself up like that. I know you are too. We are the same in that. But Emma, I can’t hide it anymore. You and Henry are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are my best friend, but more than that, it’s like you share my heart. I know Christmas is hard for you, but Emma, I agree with Henry, I don’t want to celebrate any of these stupid holidays without you. Do you understand what I am saying? I want you in my life Emma Swan, forever, no matter what that looks like. I can’t lose you. It would destroy Henry, but Emma, it would destroy me too.”

Emma swallowed around the lump in her throat and nodded, unable to speak. It occurred to her how much Regina’s words sounded like a proposal. It was so unlike anything she had heard from anyone in her life before. Nodding again, she met Regina’s gaze steadily, “I’m home. I’m not going anywhere. After all these years, with everything I’ve gone through, I found home and I’m not running. I promise. I get scared too. That’s what the meltdown was outside. Nothing good in my life has ever lasted and though they meant well, all those gifts earlier today was remind me that even after all these years, they still don’t really know me. it was a reminder of the new year new family crap. This whole holiday bullshit has been nothing but one giant trigger for me. I know it’s been the same for you. But, I’m not running this time. I didn’t run Regina. It took all the courage I have to not throw up my walls and retreat, but I didn’t. I’ll be here as long as you and Henry will have me.” Regina started to protest but Emma shook her head with a smile, “ Let me finish. I know you want me here. I heard you.  But you are gonna have to be patient with me. I’m gonna be quiet sometimes on days like this. I’m going to be snappish, grouchy. I’ll push your buttons sometimes, especially when I a feeling insecure.  And it has nothing to do with you or Henry. It’s just what I deal with I’m sure you’ve figured this out by now… but when I started seeing Archie after our trip to the underworld… I was diagnosed with PTSD”

Regina nodded squeezing her hand gently, “I know”

Emma skipped surprise, she knew Regina was smart enough to recognize that Emma’s struggle with PTSD closely resembled her own and nodded, “so you understand what that means?”

Regina nodded again, “Flashbacks, triggers, nightmares, panic attacks. Yes”

 Emma smiled, “That’s why you didn’t say anything when I disappeared earlier?”

Regina nodded, “I disappeared a few times myself this year when it got to be too much, but I’ve been dealing with it longer. Holidays aren’t the easiest for me either. I had parents, but holidays were generally unpleasant affairs. Luckily for me, I had Henry, and I worked through many of the emotions you are wrestling with now when I had to decide whether or not to celebrate with my son”

Emma grimaced, “I can imagine” she remembered what Regina had shared about Cora.

Emma looked at their tangled hands and leaned back into the brunette, “ I don’t think I could have gotten through this holiday stuff without you. You always seemed to know exactly what I needed to get through it”

Regina nodded and shifted closer, “Like I said, you and I are far more alike than we are different. I understand. I’ve been there, different, but the same all at once”

Emma relaxed into Regina, letting the brunette wrap her in a hug again. It amazed Emma how comfortable she felt around Regina, how safe she felt with her. Emma rarely let people touch her, she was awkward whenever someone else initiated physical contact. But Regina was different. They had always had this cord between them. When one pushed the other pulled. They were always intense, in each other’s faces, in each other’s space. It was just their dynamic. Emma had known from the start that if they ever got past their distrust of each other, their friendship would be just as intense as their previous dislike for each other. It had taken years to get past each other’s walls, but there was a bond of trust between them that Emma knew would never fade.

She closed her eyes and listened to Regina’s heartbeat under her ear, letting herself be held. Regina started scraping her fingers through Emma’s hair and Emma shifted closer, letting Regina show her affection. Regina adjusted the new quilt to lay over them and leaned back into the couch, tugging Emma down into her arms. Emma resettled, and Regina’s fingers finding their way back to her scalp. Eventually, Emma felt herself drift off to sleep, Regina’s arms still wrapped around her securely. Emma’s last thought was that if the holidays were less like the craziness that had been the last few attempts at “family” time with her parents and more like this, like her quiet peaceful evening with Regina and their son, she could tolerate Christmas. Hell, she could even see herself eventually looking forward to it.

**Author's Note:**

> I want so say here at the end, thanks for reading. If you, like me struggle to be happy or joyful during the holidays, if giving or receiving gifts makes you twitchy and anxious, it's okay. be gentle with yourself. you matter. Your worth is not determined by the gifts you do or dont receive. And at any point, it is okay to either ignore the holidays altogether, or like Regina and Emma did with the quilt, remake it into something new. Do whatever helps you. For some people, the website holiday moms helps, so please check it out if you need that. (http://www.yourholidaymom.com/) If you are like me and even the word family can be a loaded term, that's okay. You are not alone. You matter. Do what makes you happy, what helps you be healthy and most of all, makes you feel safe. Be around the people who you don't feel like you have to perform or pretend for. Be safe and be kind to yourself this holiday season. lots of hugs from your friend- MagicalArtist


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